The Sex-Indifferent Asexual (Who Has Sex Any Number of Times):
So let’s say you go to a restaurant with your friends. Everybody orders: appetizer, soup or salad, entree. When the entrees have been eaten, your friends look at the dessert menu. You’re totally full and have no…
Kinky asexual—so rarely described or included. I applaud this.
You want to say “Hi” to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.
If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”
On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.
There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.
Can every one of my male followers read this? And please, before you get defensive (“I would never rape anyone!”) keep in mind, women being afraid of Shrodinger’s Rapists (oh my god i still can’t get over the encompassing brilliance of this phrase) is a conditioned, learned response from being immersed in rape culture and the evolution of sexism and sexual violence in our society from the day we’re born. And unfortunately, it’s very difficult to unlearn without the efforts of all genders to dismantle it. Which is where you come in.
If you ever see any person ever that has not had a severe trauma involving people get actually scared at a polite attempt at conversation, that person should seek professional help immediately. Let’s reverse the genders in this situation for a second - if a girl walked up to a guy and made an attempt at small talk, and a guy, who has had no past trauma with people like the girl, freaks out for no reason, that would be pretty strange, right?
Of course, this post makes some good points about people coming on too strong, but that has nothing to do with gender. This post is just incredibly sexist. And if you don’t see how the Schrodinger’s Rapist mindset is ridiculously problematic, there’s something wrong with your line of thinking.
Then you have, at this moment, nearly 6000 people (by the notes on this post of people who are “liking” and reblogging to agree) who you think need psychological help. And that’s just on this specific excerpt on tumblr; the piece has been around much longer.
Really though, who are you to define trauma? When women have their space invaded and their requests disrespected by strangers constantly (and sometimes even by acquaintances) from about the time they hit about 10 years old, yeah, actually, I’d say that’s a PRETTY DAMN GOOD reason to be wary of any person who approaches them without permission. It’s not about women publicly freaking out, all this post is saying is that guys need to BACK THE FUCK OFF when they’re being given signals and body language that tell them to. And that if they don’t back off, there’s a reason women can and do feel creeped out and threatened by the person who’s demanding their time.
First of all, just because there are 6000 notes does not mean that all of them are in support of the post; in fact, one reblogged my post in support of me. I could link you to several more eloquent blogs that would shut down your argument immediately I do believe, http://nerdydyke.tumblr.com/ being one of them. But I’ll try to deal with your argument on my own, in my sleep - addled state.
I’m not defining trauma, but I am stating that if you declare “sexual harassment” to be bad, which we can both agree on, that does not immediately and logically reach the conclusion that “men are dangerous”, just as “terrorism” should not link to “Muslims” and “Crime” should not be linked to “POC”. You’re stating that unwanted attention is the domain of men and men alone, which is plainly untrue, and then you are adding to that statement the idea that due to the small number of men that may be harassers, it is logical to be prejudiced against all of them. Furthermore, by placing “men” into the sole actor role and placing “women” into a role to be acted upon, you are reinforcing the current gender binary kyriarchy.
The problem isn’t about how “men” should back off, it’s about how people should learn to read signals and back off when it’s plain that they aren’t wanted. Therefore, this article, is misinterpreting the problem and is problematic. That is all I am stating. And, as you are the one that has extrapolated incorrectly, I believe while there might be a person here who can’t read, that person is definitely not me.
No, not EVERY single reblog was in support, but the vast majority are.
And yes, people invading others’ spaces is an issue all genders have to deal with, from all genders. The quote never denied that. I never denied that. I’ve also had women I don’t know sexually harass me and touch me inappropriately, but those are so rare in contrast to the times men have done it that it’s not really an issue- it was just a weird situation, an anomaly.
The fact of the matter is, this quote is about rape culture, not ALL SITUATIONS EVERYWHERE. You can’t take it out of that context. And rape, while it can and does happen to men, and that’s a huge fucking problem… Unfortunately, the very vast majority of rapes happen to women, by men who are attacking them. So to say that it’s “sexist” to be leery of men who don’t respect strangers’ boundaries, when 1/6 of women will be raped in their lives, is just bullshit. I don’t really have any other words for it. Sexual harrassment in general is something that men do to women more than any other direction. So I’m sorry, but yeah, I absolutely have the right to be wary of men I don’t know who demand my time (and some men I do know, as well). Doesn’t mean I’m biased against all men, or hate men, or think they’re all rapists, because most of them certainly aren’t. But it does mean a man has to not be a creepy dude and earn my trust, and men need to be aware of that, and they need to learn body language and verbal cues so they can figure out when they’ve over-stepped.
And that’s pretty much what this quote is asking for.
Can people, like, stop comparing women justifiably being wary of men to racial profiling and stuff like islamophobia? It’s not the same freaking thing and it’s ignorant on it’s ass to pretend it is. It’s not a small number of men, it’s actually a large majority of them and we have plenty of narratives throughout our society that sexual harassment of women is acceptable (ex: boys will be boys), along with the reinforcement of sexual entitlement to women by men and women being silenced when they criticize it (ex: be /flattered/ when dudes catcall you ladies).
It’s not about ‘people’ (which is just a way to derail the issue by pretending it doesn’t have a specific trend even though it does) doing it at the same exact rate to each other every day.
I didn't see anything wrong with the commercial, could you tell me why you didn't like it?
Well, several reasons-
1. “I love sex, and I don’t like condoms.” This further forces the idea that sex is ‘more awesome and better without condoms,’ which is often a male-way of thinking. Many women are pushed into having unsafe sex for a man’s benefit because he would prefer to bareback and then pull out than to wear a condom. Now, I’m aware this commercial is promoting condom-use, but that line by itself is being spoken by a woman, almost in a way to encourage other women to dislike the feel of condoms, too. The condom is worn by a man. Why don’t we have a man talking about great they are, too?
2. The character is telling a story and speaking her mind. But the commercial makes it clear that her words are to be ignored because she’s just a blonde, white body. The camera zooms in on her ass, hips, and body sliding around in a bed-sheet in her underwear. She’s merely an object talking about how great these incredibly thin condoms feel, even though it’s obvious that this commercial is for the benefit of men. Why can’t we have a man raving about how great the birth control pill is or why diaphragms rock his world?
3. “Worth trying if you like sex. You do like sex…don’t you??” I’m going to assume that this commercial is targeting heterosexual relationships only. Worth trying if you like sex…but only with a man—it’s not real sex otherwise apparently.
“You do like sex…don’t you??” Not only is this line incredibly offensive, but it’s extremely dangerous. No. Not everyone likes sex. Way to alienate those who fear sex, don’t like sex, don’t have a desire for sex, have a low sex drive, or cannot have sex. Her little mocking smile and tiny scoff tells everyone, “Hey, you’re a freak and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like sex!!!” I actually felt my stomach sink at this line. It further promotes the idea that everyone must have sex, and if you don’t, you’re broken and need to be fixed. Incredibly creepy. And of course, the line is spoken by a woman, to further push women into feeling broken or strange if they don’t feel like having sex, and promotes men to get sex (with a woman like the actress in the commercial, of course!) in whatever means necessary.