You have probably guessed/know from posts of mine I’ve made in the past, but I am forcing myself to finally just… admit it. After typing up that last post on my rant blog, I just…. cannot deny it anymore even though I still feel unsure.
I am not… asexual anymore. I am sorry I have turned into a…
No need to feel ashamed or saddened by this! There’s no rule that says you’re not allowed to figure out who you are. I’m excited for you and I’m especially happy with all the work you’ve done for the asexual community. Just because you don’t identify as an asexual anymore doesn’t mean that you were wrong or untrue. You’re just you, Ellie! ^_^ Oh…and we need to check out the Christkindlmarket stat!
I suddenly feel like I should start dating again to make everyone around me happy. People who have always said they accepted my asexuality are starting to show that they really aren’t too keen on the idea. I was told that I should start joining dating groups that meet around the city so I’m not a…
You do what makes you happy. I know it’s hard sometimes, but if you force yourself to live what others consider “normal” you’re only going to make yourself miserable. Your life is your own, and no one has the right to tell you how to live it <3
Your happiness matters. You NEVER have to do ANYTHING you don’t want to do, or that you’re not comfortable doing.
Aww, thanks you guys! I come from a (usually) very respectful and open family. But ever since my orientation has not been fitting the ‘normal’ heterosexual lifestyle, I see that perhaps I’m not as accepted as I thought…and it freakin scares me! :/ I’ve dated guys in the hopes that I could be “cured” and it just made me miserable…so I’m hoping to not go down that path again.
Depressing dating stuff. TW for unhappy sex and angst.
I suddenly feel like I should start dating again to make everyone around me happy. People who have always said they accepted my asexuality are starting to show that they really aren’t too keen on the idea. I was told that I should start joining dating groups that meet around the city so I’m not a lonely 45-year-old with a hundred cats in years to come.
I am feeling….rather depressed about the whole thing. I’m feeling the urge to just let a guy date me and stick it in me again so everyone else is happy and people see me as normal.
(not saying that asexuality is not normal. other people just view ME as not normal)
For any given post on asexuality that has a certain number of voices from outside the ace spectrum, how long does it take to devolve into the discussion of whether or not aces are queer? I think we’ve all noticed this phenomenon…
“Like most women, I currently live in a society where violence, harassment and scary shit can break out at any moment, just because I told some random asshole “no” without bothering to be nice about it. Doing that is so dangerous that most women don’t dare; after a few scary incidents, they learn to make up excuses, to smile, to be sweet and welcoming, to act as if every single random asshole on the street is a precious new friend that they would just LOVE to stand outside of the Chipotle and chat with FOR HOURS, if only cruel fate had not intervened. That’s what it’s actually like, being a woman: Playing nice with every random asshole, because this random asshole might be the one who hurts you. And then, if he hurts you anyway, they’ll tell you that you led him on.”—
“metapianycist said: HOW DOES ONE MAKE CIDER HARD. PLEASE TELL ME. HARD CIDER IS DELICIOUS.”—My parents home-brew. Basically, you get a home-brew kit and you get directions on how to brew. There are a lot of privately-owned, almost freelance brew companies that sell the ingredients. Once you get the barley and yeast and sugar and whatever else is needed to brew, you just follow the directions and create the beer. Google home brew kits and a lot of companies will pop up. There is a lot of temperature control, seeping the barley, and waiting to add sugar. I made an ok beer (Ak-47 it’s called), but my mom tends to make the stronger ones :D
My professor was talking about sexual development and she starting listing different sexualities, and when she came to asexuality she goes, ‘And some people believe this thing called asexuality exists, but it…
“My fellow queers and assorted allies: we have got to stop using arguments like “We were born this way!” and “Being queer is not a choice!” as our first line of defense against heterosexists. It might sound like a neat little trick to pull on these people: if we can’t help being queer, then it’s not fair to punish us for something we didn’t do. But in reality, every time we use this argument we are actually weakening our own position. Shouting “Born this way” from the rooftops is the opposite of progress…. I think the most serious problem with this argument is that it reinforces the idea that we need an excuse to be queer. As a result, using this line subtly supports the idea that being queer requires excusing in some way. Don’t use it. Don’t allow straight people to generate an understanding of queer sexuality that sounds like: “Well, of course Bob wouldn’t wish to be queer, but he was born this way. I guess we better give him equal rights – poor Bob, he just can’t help it. We shouldn’t punish him for something he didn’t choose!”
Meanwhile the real reason that you shouldn’t punish Bob for queerness is because there’s nothing wrong with it!”—
I don’t understand why people get so upset at the idea that you dare be affected by traumatic things. Like somehow these things aren’t real because something in your life drastically changed you. It’s not as though we are all the sum of our genes, moving through life and…
Very well said. I’ve been thinking about this more—the “born this way” argument. Could I reference your post, Toranseisstrong, in a Hot Pieces of Ace video about the idea of “nature vs. nurture?”
I visited my hometown this weekend for my birthday. I love my family and it was great seeing a lot of my relatives. I’ve always been very close to my parents and always go to them for advice. My family is supportive and I’ve never felt uneasy around them or unsure of myself. Well…I went home and had an odd conversation with some of my relatives that really, really upset me. Like, I wanted to drive back to Chicago crying, upset.
I was sitting in my kitchen and somehow we got on the subject of vlogging. I told one of my relatives about SwankyIvy (asexual vlogger/activist) and how awesome her videos are, but how terrible it is that she gets death and rape threats constantly just for posting about being asexual. My relative, who has always, ALWAYS been there for me, look annoyed and said, “Why does everyone need a label? Why does this vlogger have to post about being asexual? Why can’t she talk about something else?”
I said that a lot of people who are not within the hetero-normative, heterosexual realm feel comforted talking to others who are like them. My loved-one then went on to explain how my grandma always complains about her arthritis and fibromyalgia. That’s all she talks about, my grandma. It’s what she labels herself as, apparently? A fibromyalgia victim…and it pisses my one relative off so much. So, somehow my family member was trying to use this story as a comparison to people who label themselves anything other than heterosexual.
I said that everyone is expected to be heterosexual so it may sound like a person is trying to be “different” when they talk about their non-het experiences, but it’s actually not. They’re just talking about their everyday lives and people see it as a “special label.” My relative could see that I was getting upset, but it didn’t help that another family member stormed in and added to the conversation, saying, “Take homosexual men for example. There are gay men who are flaming, flamboyantly gay. They CHOOSE to live that way. A gay man could easily just be like another man and be normal and there would be no problems. So when a flamboyantly gay man gets beat-up, he shouldn’t be surprised because he CHOSE to act and dress that way.”
"And that’s why I can’t feel too bad when your asexual friend gets rape and death threats for vlogging about her sexuality online," my other family-member added. "If you don’t want negative attention and get annoyed when people don’t understand you, just stop talking about it. Make it easier for yourself. Stop labeling yourself, honey."
So…like the coward I am, I just smiled and went back to reading Animorphs, trying not to cry. This whole time I really believed that my relatives accepted me for what I am. After this, I realize…they think it’s just a phase. I think the reason they’re getting so annoyed or snapping at me if I even mention asexuality is because they don’t believe that I am and they don’t want ME to believe that I am. And I’m just so, so shocked by how….close-minded these comments were. Or am I wrong? Should non-heterosexual people NOT talk about their sexuality? I mean, the point I had tried to make in my argument was that heterosexual people don’t have to tell people they’re hetero. It’s assumed. Heterosexual people never have to explain their sexuality or validate it or be careful how they present themselves to make others believe them. I’ve had two family members and a co-worker get so mad that I’m “labeling” myself. But how am I “choosing a label” when I’m just asexual? When I obviously, not by choice, am not a heterosexual person.
I feel anxious and stupid really. I know that I will never mention asexuality again at home. I won’t even mention that I met a nice woman at a local bar and am excited to hang out with her again. I just feel so…ugh! I cannot even stomach the idea that my family won’t accept me. I just thought that…that they understood everything! :/ I am really, really depressed about this. I don’t know if I’m more depressed that my closest family-members don’t understand what I’m trying to say or if I’ve been wrong this whole time and just shouldn’t talk about my sexual orientation anymore.
Ok, so that was one googling, which also yielded an article on a woman in Australia who was shot in the thigh after refusing to perform oral sex. Many people will claim that these are just “isolated” incidents. But three of those took place in the last two, two and a half months. That’s not really isolated, in fact, that sounds distinctly like a pattern.
When guys complain about women not giving them a straight answer, this is why. Granted, these are fairly extreme. However, on a regular basis women who turn down men, no matter how nicely, are insulted, yelled at, spit on, hit, kicked and knocked to the ground. Most of these assaults go unreported because women know that the police aren’t going to take them seriously, particularly if they’re dressed at all nicely or “sexy.”
“Why are you afraid of women?” I asked a group of men. “We’re afraid they’ll laugh at us,” replied the men. “Why are you afraid of men?” I asked a group of women “We’re afraid they’ll kill us,” replied the woman. -Margaret Atwood
When men ignore our boundaries, try to push or test them, we rightfully feel that they are a bigger risk for pushing even more important, dangerous boundaries, like say, raping or hitting you.
Yeah, I know, a lot of you are out there (if you’ve gotten this far) thinking, “That’s bullshit! I’d never do that!” And maybe you wouldn’t, but we can’t take that chance. And when you push boundaries or ignore our “No”s, even about small things, this puts you higher and higher up on the risk scale.
We can’t take those chances because when we’re raped or assaulted it’s always our fault. Everyone tells us so. Every single person who says, “I’d never blame the victim, but if you’re wearing a short skirt, what do you expect?” Every fucking magazine with their “Ten Things You Can Do to Not Be Raped” articles, that place all the onus on women, and none of it on, oh, the rapists.
How do you not scare women?
Respect their boundaries. Take no at face value. As a commenter said over on Pharyngula, you have nothing to lose: If she meant no, you’ve respected her wishes. If she meant “pursue me harder” or whatever bullshit, then bullet dodged. You don’t want to deal with that kind of mind-game playing, anyway.
But in all seriousness, guys, if you ever wonder why women act like their scared of you, read the above links again.
So, this has been building up inside me and I just need to rant. I might explode if I just don’t yell about it online.
I work in the richest area in the suburbs of the city I live in. I mean, most of these people swim in money, sleep in money beds, and are basically so pretentious most of them aren’t real people. Anyway, I teach swim lessons for these suburb-people. I’m a full-time pool rat and I’ve been teaching and lifeguarding for 9 years. There have been some major changes to the place that I work and I was given the Jr. Swim Club. The Jr. Swim Club has always just been a big Level 5 and 6 swim lesson. They do some drills, play around, do some more swimming, and then work on dives and flip turns. It’s always been pretty chill and the swimmers have been taught by the same guy for many, many years.
Well, this man, a chill guy in his forties, couldn’t do the swim club anymore so they gave it to me. I was pretty excited because I was a competitive swimmer for 12 years and I was the assistant coach for a Chicago YMCA swim team for 2 years. So, I ran the swim club on Monday and Thursday last week…and worked their asses off. We did laps, drills, sprints, more drills, and lots of stroke technique. Quite different than what most of the kids were used to.
The Thursday Jr. Swim Club consists mostly of girls, ages 8-13. There are five boys on the team around 9-14. The boys were completely out of control. The moment they stepped onto the pool deck, they approached with caution and stared at me, completely in disbelief that a female was their new coach. When I asked their names, they instantly began to switch names and refused to tell me who was who. So I told them to get in the water. It took them about ten minutes to finally get in a lane while all the girls had settled and were ready to start. The practice was difficult as none of the boys listened, they ignored me and went under water as I spoke to them, and even did things I was telling them not to do as I stood there yelling at them. They pushed, kicked, and jumped on each other, running into other swimmers the whole time. They complained, bitched, and were just absolutely rude. Beyond rude.
So…about two days later, my new Aquatics Director called. We talked about the upcoming week and then she brought up the Jr. Swim Club. She was confused and perplexed because a team of “concerned” mothers called her complaining that there sons were bored. Yep. Bored. They didn’t like swimming laps or having to work. And they especially didn’t like working with girls and there were too many “little girls” on the Jr. Swim Club. They had more fun with their old coach.
Instead of responding like a normal parent would or should, saying something like, “Oh hey, maybe you shouldn’t be a sexist, spoiled little shit and respect your new coach,” they told the aquatic director that A. Jr. Swim Club NEEDS to be more fun for their sons. B. Maybe they should find a new coach that actually knows how to make their sons happy. C. If these changes are not made, their sons will be leaving the Jr. Swim Club.
….AAAHHRAGGSGHSDBGEGWERGW!!! Are you fucking kidding me!!?!?!? What the fuck is wrong with these parents?? Why the fuck are you listening to your 9…10 year-old-sons after ONE fucking swim practice whining about how much it sucks that their new GIRL coach is actually making them work!?! And I know this has nothing to do with their sons being bored. It has everything to do with these MOMS looking for some reason to remove the female coach from the scene. Look ladies, it’s impossible to control your sons because they’re spoiled-rotten, nasty, disrespectful, rich, pompous shits. I yelled, I sat them out, I gave them some free swim, I let them do some jumps, I separated them—nothing. If they have made the decision to not listen or not try….THEY’RE NOT GOING TO! Jesus Christ. Fuck. I’m pissed.
So my boss, instead of telling them, “Oh well. We made the decision to actually make this into a swim team now, there’s the door,” apologized to them and is putting one of my male co-workers in charge so he can teach the boys and I can teach the girls. Do you know how bad this makes me look? The 10-kid team does not need two coaches!! And I just know these boys will be on their best behavior for him. And that’s going to drive me fucking crazy. So, I think I’m just going to give the whole team to him and be done with it after just one week. Fuck these damn, rich, suburban parents and their little shit-head sons.
If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave, we should not be surprised when they behave in those ways.
And we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapes.
Women who are taught not to speak up too loudly or too forcefully or too adamantly or too demandingly are not going to shout “NO” at the top of their goddamn lungs just because some guy is getting uncomfortably close.
Women who are taught not to keep arguing are not going to keep saying “NO.”
Women who are taught that their needs and desires are not to be trusted, are fickle and wrong and are not to be interpreted by the woman herself, are not going to know how to argue with “but you liked kissing, I just thought…”
Women who are taught that physical confrontations make them look crazy will not start hitting, kicking, and screaming until it’s too late, if they do at all.
Women who are taught that a display of their emotional state will have them labeled hysterical and crazy (which is how their perception of events will be discounted) will not be willing to run from a room disheveled and screaming and crying.
Women who are taught that certain established boundaries are frowned upon as too rigid and unnecessary are going to find themselves in situations that move further faster before they realize that their first impression was right, and they are in a dangerous room with a dangerous person.
Women who are taught that refusing to flirt back results in an immediately hostile environment will continue to unwillingly and unhappily flirt with somebody who is invading their space and giving them creep alerts.
People wonder why women don’t “fight back,” but they don’t wonder about it when women back down in arguments, are interrupted, purposefully lower and modulate their voices to express less emotion, make obvious signals that they are uninterested in conversation or being in closer physical proximity and are ignored. They don’t wonder about all those daily social interactions in which women are quieter, ignored, or invisible, because those social interactions seem normal. They seem normal to women, and they seem normal to men, because we were all raised in the same cultural pond, drinking the same Kool-Aid.
And then, all of a sudden, when women are raped, all these natural and invisible social interactions become evidence that the woman wasn’t truly raped. Because she didn’t fight back, or yell loudly, or run, or kick, or punch. She let him into her room when it was obvious what he wanted. She flirted with him, she kissed him. She stopped saying no, after a while.
I am shaking & enraged right now so pardon me if all of this letter is profane. I went to pick my son up from school. His school is less than 5 blocks from my house. One of the guys standing on the corner a…